Sorry for the series of emo-gon posts the past days. Although I wanted to be more private and not an open book, I still catch myself confessing more here in my blog than in my trusty old-school diary. I think there is so much power in getting your message across to more people than just you and your notebook and your room as the witness. I'd like to think that by telling hundreds of souls about my current condition, "not ok" is then divided to hundreds of pieces each time a person reads your thoughts, understands, doesn't judge, empathizes, and even relate. [Divide and conquer!]
I realized I am not the best person to talk to right now, I have my own issues of time travelling too fast (fast forward) that people haven't even breathed yet, and I am already there wrapped in my own world of misery. And the things I anticipate aren't always pretty. Aren't a bit pretty, actually. Hah! So yah, I have been a selfish piece of
shit act to my friends the past days (it's embarrassing, it really is! :P). But I guess this experience made me stronger, if not, I at least learned something about myself.
- it's ok to be afraid
- that I think too much, it gets tiring
- change will come, not just to others, but even to myself
- i've got a Peyton Sawyer-ish tendency that I have to fight back
I've had my fair share of histories, so I can't help but feel that history can easily repeat. But then, there is nothing more comforting than an assurance that the true friends wouldn't leave, proven even after all this mess I created myself.
And after that, there is nothing more comforting than being able to just accept, and then just go on with life. Like I've always did before.
Ciao, hasta la vista, BV! I wouldn't miss you one bit! :)
Happy Anagon Playlist, May 2011:
Thank you loves for your contributions! Still open for other cool tunes! :) <3
The Little Things by Danny Elfman - suggested song by Denise from my last post
All At Once by The Fray - suggested song by Reg from my last post
Firework by Katy Perry - makes me hopeful
Born this Way by Lady Gaga - "I'm on the right track, I was born to survive"
Three Little Birds by Bob Marley - suggested song by Honey from my last post
This is Not a Test by She and Him - suggested song by Krissy from my last post
Angel by Akon - makes me feel my worth. Like I'm glowing or something, haha.
Lullaby by Shawn Mullins - in the end, it's gonna be alright. :)
"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I wont tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad."
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower
To Tamems: Thank you for the way you dealt with me during the tough times. <3